listening to Look Only At Me - Tae Yang. It's going to be a long reflection again, warning. I have no idea why i'm waiting for something that will never happen. I guess i'm just stubborn. don't wanna let go of something that was never mine in the first place. and after all these years, i end up back at square one. all alone with no one to turn to. i feel pathetic. after all those words, those tears, those self injuries, those moments of happiness, moments of sadness, all those broken promises, breaking and patching, letters, dreams... everything... everything that i've put my heart and soul into has went into smoke. i can't even start over, get a second chance. love cannot be forced or controlled. i guess i've been forcing you all these years... it all started with a misunderstanding... i should have just laughed it off and never took those words seriously... can love even exist online? i never treasured you, i took you for granted and now, look at us. both attached in rl, drifting further and further away from each other. you have a guy that loves you deeply, and you like him back too. while i have a girl who just treats me like some toy and cheats on me half the time. but hey, she's the only one i can turn to now. sigh. we can't even stand each other anymore. so how did we end up like this? is it possible to love two people at the same time? is true love a once in a lifetime experience? all i know is, i need a break from loving you so much. i need to let go of you. did you know, at the time you were giving me the cold shoulder, i almost gave up on you? until you finally smsed me. it was false hope. i knew, but i still fell for it. i was always jealous of him, even before you two got together. because even when we were together, you liked him, and you were closer to him. he could get close to you, he could actually meet up with you, while i couldn't. pathetic right? everytime i think of you with him, i feel like vomiting. i feel like ripping my heart out and stabbing it like hell. i feel like punching the fucking mirror or the wall or the tv. i feel like chopping my hands off so i can stop contacting you. i feel like jumping off the fucking building. i feel like screaming. i feel like killing people like some psychopath. i feel like hating everything, but i can't bring myself to hate you. i still count the aniversaries when we've already broken up long ago. the 2nds are still special days for me. still bound to you by that promise. sigh.

Labels: long boring reflection